So I consider myself kind of an expert on movies about teenagers based on Shakespeare. I have voluntarily sat through every Shakespeare teen comedy adaptation I know of: not only 10 Things I Hate About You (which is brilliant) and My Own Private Idaho (which is good), but She’s The Man (which is dire, even if Amanda Bynes is never not delightful).
Eventually, of course, I hope the whole Shakespearean canon will get the teen remake treatment (oh man, can you imagine the Gossip Girl-style miniseries based on the Henry VIs? Because I can, and it’s glorious). But Hollywood, while you’re getting the funding together for that, here’s a few ideas for adapting the next teen Shakespeare movie:
1. Richard III
All his life, Richard York (Anton Yelchin) has dreamed of being Spring Fling King at Albion High. Now that he’s finally a senior, his dream is within reach.
But his handsome brother, basketball star Edward (whichever Hemsworth is available) is voted homecoming king in October – which means he’s on track to win the Spring Fling crown too.
Richard decides to team up with his old debate club rival, sophomore Anne (Kiernan Shipka). Together, they plot to take down Ed, Ed’s girlfriend, head cheerleader Liz (Miley Cyrus)…and everyone else who gets in Richard’s way.
2. The Tempest
Miranda (Keke Palmer) is happy, if bored, helping her dad (David Cross) manage his remote fishery in Alaska. She even gets on well with the other workers – efficient Ariel and troublemaker Cal.
Still, Miranda dreams of life on the mainland…until banking heir Ferdinand (Zac Efron) accidentally crashes his yacht into their island during a storm. She saves his life, and in return, he teaches her the transformative power of salsa dancing.
3. As You Like It
After folk-rock musician Rose (Jennifer Lawrence) is kicked out of Juilliard for fighting, she and BFF Kelly (Emma Stone) move out of New York City and up to the Adirondacks. They settle into The Forest of Arden motel to work on their first album, Delusions of Gender.
As Rose and Kelly develop their music, they get to know their new neighbours: bickering, guitar-playing brothers Orlando (the Hemsworth who wasn’t in Richard III) and Oliver (Skylar Astin); nihilistic philosophy student Jack (Danny Pudi); and Rosalind’s long-lost father Duke (Woody Harrelson), a libertarian mountain man who lives in the woods out back.
4. Antony and Cleopatra
Photos: IMDB.com, Rolling Stone
Mark Antony (Tristan Wilds)’s life couldn’t be better. He’s the new captain of his high school football team in Rome, Georgia, and he’s finally scored a date with Eva (Chloe Moretz), sister of his best friend Evan (Josh Hutcherson).
Mark is all set for the perfect senior year – until he drives up to Jackson, Mississippi ‘just for a weekend trip’ and wakes up on a Thursday afternoon in the back of his truck with no pants and a tattoo on his ass reading, ‘Cleo’.
Now, dive bar singer Cleopatra Jones (Aubrey Plaza) is sending Mark dirty text messages inviting him back to Jackson to stay – and he can’t resist responding. With Evan breathing down his neck and Cleo enticing him back to Mississippi, can Mark keep his head in the game?
I was going to do titles for all these, but I wrote “Spring Fling Of Our Discontent”, realised nothing would ever top that and stopped there. I’d love to hear suggestions in the comments!